When we are acting out of insecurity – people won’t take us seriously, won’t trust our ability to perform or will take advantage of us. When we pump ourselves up to feel “on top of things” – it will often appear as “superiority” to other people and escalate the tension. But when we remain calm, abandon the need to prove anything, and rely on an unwavering ability to support ourselves in the moment – we can step outside this winner/loser duality and experience what true confidence feels like. And the best thing is it allows our counterparties to relax too and put down their guards, so we can have a meaningful and respectful conversation.

On the basic level: when we are out there to get something from someone – we are pretty much guaranteed to meet resistance. Nobody wants to be used for someone else’s benefit. And our efforts to relay how it’s in their own interests usually don’t help much, because people feel our need and the pressure it creates, and just react to it instinctively. They mentally block whatever we say as attempts to manipulate them into giving us what we want.

Yes, sometimes we can bulldoze our way through, but it takes much more effort than necessary, and it strains relationships. Things get so much simpler when we have the knack of setting a genuine intent to help the person in front of us. “Genuine” is key here, because imitating it doesn’t work long-term.

It is beyond belief how much we are missing about what’s happening around us. For one, our ability to focus and process information is limited, and we are too distracted these days. But even more importantly: most of us don’t have the habit of deliberately paying attention and are too consumed with our own thoughts and emotions. As a result, we miss most of the important signals other people knowingly and unknowing project outward. Without picking up on those, we will operate within a very limited scope of understanding and constantly bump into dead ends.

When you learn how and what to observe — you can very quickly equip yourself with a wealth of data in any conversation and use it to navigate to a resolution.

Having data is good, but it’s not good enough without proper processing. So you saw that the person smiled a little when you said something. But what does it actually mean? That they liked what you said and agree? Or maybe on the contrary it was a smirk of stark disagreement? It could be many things. The ability to get to the right interpretation quickly can also be trained, and that’s what actually produces the situational awareness we are looking for.

Notice that we don’t call it “making conclusions”, and it is for a very good reason. Drawing conclusions too early may lead us in the wrong direction. To keep our Perception sharp we remain flexible, continuously generating assumptions based on certain criteria, picking and testing the most probable of them, getting closer to the truth with every move. It’s a skill you can see in a good detective. And they weren’t born with it, were they? No, they trained it. And so can we.

The key here is not to act on impulse, but make a conscious choice. Depending on my Intent and Perception I can come up with a few ideas of what may work for resolution. I connect my positive Intent with a pragmatic Action to move forward. The result is never guaranteed, but with enough practice and keen Perception as the basis, our success rate can become truly outstanding.

It’s not enough to decide what to do, you also need to do it right. You may decide to express compassion, but it will backfire if you say it with a tone of superiority. You can make a positive statement, but it may work against you if it comes across as flattery. You may suggest a great solution, but the others won’t hear you if there is note of irritation in your voice. Of course, it goes back to the Mindset in a big way and setting it right will help much. But there is a level of mastery one needs to gain in bringing that Mindset into consistent actions which align with it. And that’s a skill to be practiced.